Backrooms - Cap'n Clarks Ottoman Empire Fail…

“Ahoy there, mateys!”

“Tired of spending your hard-earned doubloons on overpriced furniture?”

“Looking for deals that'll shiver your timbers?”

“Then come on down to Cap'n Clark's Ottoman Empire, the Santa Clara Valley's favorite warehouse and showrooms!”

“You'll find bedrooms, living rooms, dinettes, dens, and bathrooms aplenty.”

“First-time homeowners? We've got ya.”

“New parents looking for Billy's first crib? We've got ya!”

“From the latest in modern design to the classic styles of yesteryear, it's all here, and it's all a steal.”

“What's that, Polly? You're worried about credit?”

“Well, Captain Clark says no credit, no problem!”

“Sail the high seas of high quality and leave your money problems at the door.”

“Walk in today and get your dream sectional lounger, kitchen table, floor lamp, and bed frame here at Cap'n Clark's Ottoman Empire,”

“located at Capitol and McKee, just off the 680.”

“Now, walk in today... [panting] ...kick your feet back... and enjoy an empire of your own!”

“For every sultan deserves a throne, and we've got one with your name on it.”

“Here at Cap'n Clark's- Oh, Jesus! AH!”

“No way.”

“Clark, you're good?”

“Turn the camera off!”

“No, no, it's good. It's outtakes stuff, dude.”

“Turn the fucking camera off, Bobby!”

“Okay, Jesus, man.”

“You uh... you need help?”

“No, I got it. I got it.”

“Um... are we going again, or...?”

“No. Kat, you can open the store now.”

“We've been open.”

“(Clark SIGHS and briefly looks around the store.)”

“You know, dude, I still don't get it. Are you like a pirate or a sultan? Just be good to establish these things to-”

“I'm a... Shut up.”

“This cheap particle board bullshit. Clear this stuff up, will you?”